Sexual Orientation or Sexual Temptation?

LGBTQ

I have been listening to Tim Bayly’s Shepherds’ Conference on ministering in a post-Obergefell World.  Tim has worked with homosexuals and lesbians in Bloomington for over 30 years. He is not speaking as someone who has read a book or two, watched a couple of Youtube videos, or had a homosexual friend in college. He speaks as a pastor who has prayed with and for sodomites, has loved them, preached to them, cried over them, and seen them repent. He has many stories about working with homosexuals as well as stories about compromise in evangelical circles. These add substance to what he is saying even if it makes him long winded at points.

He makes the suggestion that we drop the term “sexual orientation” and use sexual temptation instead.  So instead of saying “same-sex orientation” we would say, “same sex temptation.” I have thought about the term sexual orientation quite a bit lately as I read Preston Sprinkle’s book People to be Loved.  Terms and words matter. Sprinkle throughout his book nuances words to death. Every word is carefully chosen. He parses out why we shouldn’t use “homosexual,” “gay,” etc.  He knows words matter. Conservative Christians need to understand this as well. What words we use to describe things will often shape the entire discussion.  I like the suggestion of using temptation instead of orientation in connection with homosexuality for several reasons.

First, it will help us see sodomy as one type of the many sexual temptations we all face. Those who struggle with this sin are not worse than us nor better than us nor different than us. Tim talked about his own fornication and how when he got married his wife was pregnant. All of us struggle with sexual temptation of various kinds and to various degrees throughout our life. I saw my first porn magazine (yes real paper) when I was eleven years old. It lay beside the road. My friend from church said his dad, a deacon, had videos with more of that. We went back and watched porn on VHS. This struggled continued through Bible college and the early years of marriage until I was about 25 years old.  I am so grateful there was no Internet when I was young. Many of you I guess have similar stories. Some of you still watch porn on your phones during your lunch break or at night when your wife is asleep.  Some of you slept around in high school and don’t want any of your Christian friends to know. We could do this with any temptation not just sexual ones. The point here is if we label it temptation it puts that sin or the struggle with that sin on level with the sins all Christians struggle with. We are all sinners working, agonizing to fight the lusts which wage war against our souls (I Peter 2:11).  Continue reading

The Undefiled Marriage Bed

unmade-bed

Recently, I preached on Hebrews 13:4:

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

How do we keep the marriage bed undefiled? What should a Christian sexual relationship look like? When we ask this question we tend to begin with the sins. Is this a sin? Is that a sin? But that complicates things. The truth is simple to understand, but hard to live out due to our wayward hearts. The only proper sexual expression is between one and one woman within marriage. Every other form of sexual expression is a sin. Fornication, adultery, bestiality, rape, masturbation, sodomy, lesbianism, multiple wives, and pornography are all sins by the standard that is set in Genesis 1-2. One man and one woman in a marriage covenant until one is dead is the boundary for Christian sexual activity.

This does not mean that all of these sins are equal in their sinfulness. Is fornication as bad as adultery? No. Is adultery as bad as sodomy? No. Does this mean divorce is always wrong? No. Does this mean it is impossible to sin against your spouse sexually and yet remain sexually faithful? No. A spouse can never sleep around or look at porn and still be sinning in the marriage bed.  And yet despite all the “but what abouts” the Lord has given us a paradigm in Genesis 1-2. We love to find loopholes. What is allowed? What can I get away with? Is it really that a big a deal if I masturbate, watch a little porn, or flirt with the married man at work? However, our goal should not be to see how much we can get away with. Instead we should be striving for and teaching the standard the Lord set up: one man and one woman married to one another and faithful to one another in heart, mind, and body until death separates them. The question should not be how close is this to the line, but rather how close does my life conform to the Biblical standard.

Porn is Barren

barren-land

A good reminder from Pastor Douglas Wilson in his book Father Hunger.  Too many men want sex without children. Obviously this applies to porn, but it also applies to purposely barren marriages.

One of the things that should be most obvious to a man about the women involved in pornography is that such images, however appealing a man may find them, are images that can present him with no children. They are barren. They flaunt their breasts, but they will never nurse the children of those who gawk with them. The men who pursue such women are men who want such barrenness; they find it a selling point. Another way of saying this is that they don’t want to be fathers. They want the privileges of sexual release (after a fashion) but without the responsibilities that God’s wisdom necessarily attached to these pleasures.

What is Marriage For?

wedding-4

Here are some Biblical reasons for marriage.  The first five would be true even if man had not sinned. Only the last two are a result of sin in some way, though of course sin affects our ability to fulfill the first five. These are not in any particular order. 

First, God ordained marriage for taking dominion over the earth. Genesis 1:26-28 gives us God’s original plan for man.  Man was given dominion over the earth, he was to fill the earth and subdue it.  Eve was to be Adam’s helper as he subdued the earth (Genesis 2:18). Psalm 8 makes it clear that this dominion still belongs to man even after the sin in the Garden of Eden. Christ redeems us so that we might participate in His taking dominion over the earth.  Of course, a single person can participate in the dominion mandate. But typically we fulfill this command through getting married and having children. 

Second, God ordained marriage to be a witness to Christ and his church. Churches love to talk about evangelism, which is of course a good thing. But marriage is explicitly called a picture of Christ and his church. Ephesians 5:22-33 makes it clear that when a man and woman get married they immediately become a living, breathing painting of Jesus and His Bride. This means our marriages always point to something greater than the marriage itself. A failed or bad Christian marriage is a slander of Jesus Christ.

Third, God ordained marriage for our companionship. It was not good for Adam to be alone.  Over the years we are married there should be an emotional and spiritual intimacy that develops between husband and wife. There is a lot of sentimentality that surrounds marriages. People talk of “soul mates” and such things.  As Christians we should avoid this. But there is a kernel of truth there. God does want us to grow closer to our spouse. Husbands and wives should enjoy each other’s company and companionship more and more over the years.   

Fourth, God ordained marriage for the bearing of children. This is explicitly stated in Genesis 1:28. The Scriptures see children of covenant parents as a great blessing to God and his Kingdom. The Scriptures assume and expect that godly marriages will be fruitful and bear many children (See Deut. 28:4, 11, Psalm 127-128, I Timothy 5:10, 14, Titus 2:4).  A couple that refuses to bear children is violating God’s Word. If a couple cannot have children that does not mean they are not blessed by God. God intends to bless that couple in other ways and for them to honor him in other ways. However, most Christian marriages should result in a having many children and bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Fifth, God ordained marriage for our physical pleasure. Proverbs 5:15-20 and the Song of Solomon make this point. The sexual relationship is not just for the bearing of children or for sexual protection. It is also for the joy and pleasure of the couple. God intended for us to enjoy our spouses physically. Too many Christians find this a bit much, that God would create such a physical high. “Is that really spiritual”, we ask? But God made sex to be thoroughly enjoyed within marriage. It is not an idol to be worshiped. And your goal is not to have the “best orgasm in history” as the world tells us. But the marriage bed is meant to be fun and exciting. Those who tell you otherwise are liars. 

Sixth, God ordained marriage for our sexual protection. Paul makes this clear in I Corinthians 7:2-5. Getting married is one of the ways God keeps us from burning with lust. Long delays in getting married, which are common in our culture, make us more vulnerable to sexual sin including pornography and fornication. Marriage is not an automatic cure for sexual sin, but it does help. 

Seventh, God ordained marriage for our sanctification.  There are few situations like marriage and raising children that can show someone their sinful heart. We get married believing we are great and wonderful, only to find out there are a lot of ungodly thoughts and emotions that we need to repent of. Later we think we matured spiritually then children come along and the process starts all over again. God sanctifies us in other ways. But marriage is  one of the primary ways he helps us grow in the image of Christ.  

What About Polygamy?

Big LoveIs polygamy wrong? If it is, why did so many godly men do it in the Old Testament? If it isn’t, why do Christians insist on one man and one woman as the paradigm for marriage?  There are several arguments against polygamy being ideal, but it is also clear in Scripture that polygamy is not equal to other sexual sins, such as homosexuality. When we dig into Scripture here is what we find.

First, the paradigm the Lord set  from the beginning is Adam and Eve, one man and one woman. That is the way the world is supposed to function. Any deviation from that pattern is wrong. Polygamy is a sin because it contradicts Genesis 1-2 on marriage. Jesus’ use of this passage to support his teaching on divorce (Matthew 19:3-9) indicates its priority in setting standards for marriage. Polygamy is not presented in Scripture as the ideal or normative pattern.

While polygamy is not expressly forbidden in the Old Testament, there are a couple of passages that indicate it is not the goal. Deuteronomy 17:17 says that kings should not multiply wives. Malachi 2:14-15 points to one man and one woman as the norm as well.

Second,  Jesus has one wife the Church and he is faithful to her. This is an illustration from typology and backs up the ideal given in Genesis 1-2.  Ephesians 5:22-33 shows that the ideal for humans is one man faithfully married to one woman. I Timothy 3:2, 12, 5:9, and Titus 1:6 also indicate that for leaders in the church and for widows to be on the list they must have had one spouse. Paul’s main point is not polygamy, but those verses do rule out polygamy for leaders in the church.

Third, but a second marriage is a real marriage. The Bible treats second (and third) wives, as wives, not as adulterers. This is clear from how the Lord treated David when he slept with Bathsheba compared to how the Lord described David’s marriages to Abigail, Ahinoam, and his other wives (I Samuel 25:43, II Samuel 3:2-5). We also see this in Exodus 21:10-11 where a man who takes a second wife must still treat his first wife as a wife. He cannot treat her differently. He must still provide for her and sleep with her. His failure to treat her like a wife means she can leave him. Also in Deuteronomy 21:15-17 the first born son of a first wife retains inheritance rights. The husband cannot show preference to the second wife’s son. A second marriage is a real marriage.

Fourth, polygamy is a sin, but it is usually, not always, a low level sin. It is not equal to adultery or fornication because the parties are married. It is not equal to sodomy or bestiality because they are a man and woman. Also it is not equal to divorce because the marriage covenants are still intact. That is why I would not encourage a man with two wives to divorce one of them.  Where does it fall on the “sin scale?” That would depend on the level of knowledge of the persons involved.  A person who knows God’s ideal, one man and one woman, and rejects it would be held more accountable than one who did not.

Fifth, while polygamy is not condemned in Scripture, it does usually cause problems. The first polygamist was Lamech (Genesis 4:23). He is not a man you want to emulate. With Hagar and Sarah, Hannah and Peninnah (I Samuel 1:1-7), Rachel and Leah (though Jacob may not have wanted 2 wives), and Solomon’s many wives there was trouble. Besides this any man with one wife wonders why on earth a man would marry more than one woman. One wife is a such a great responsibility and a good man will spend a lifetime getting to know her.

Finally, does the increased revelation of Jesus Christ and His people in the New Testament make polygamy a greater sin the New Testament era than it was in the Old Testament? That is certainly a possibility. Polygamy, while common among kings in the Old Testament, has been virtually unheard of among Christians since Christ. Some modern cults do allow polygamy, but no Christian church I am aware of has advocated it.

Polygamy is not God’s ideal, not the way he designed the world. Therefore it should be avoided. It is sin. In the rare case where the gospel comes to a culture that allows many wives and a man with more than one wife is converted that man should repent of his sin of entering into second marriage, but keep his wives. He will be restricted from any office in the church.

Hot Coals

Hot Coals

There are four sections in the early chapters of Proverbs that deal with the theme of sexual morality; 2:10-22, 5:1-23, 6:20-35, and 7:1-27. Solomon felt this was a major issue in the life of young men. No other subject, outside of wisdom itself, dominates Proverbs 1-10 like the issue of adultery and the seductive woman. Reading the four sections one can see three key themes:

I. Wisdom Precedes Holiness-See Proverbs 2:10-11, 5:1-2, 6:20-23 and 7:1-5. Solomon begins his discussion of sexual sin in the same place he began the discussion of wise living (Proverbs 1:7), the fear of the Lord. All the practical hedges in the world will not a protect a man who does not walk in the wisdom. Wisdom, that is fearing God, precedes a righteous life. Holiness does not begin with actions, but with attitudes that lead to specific God-honoring actions. 

II. The Harlot is Attractive-See Proverbs 2:16, 5:3, 6:24-25 and 7:10-21. The harlot is not an ugly woman with four teeth, who cannot string two words together. She is beautiful and flattering with her speech. Men need to acknowledge that seductive women are seductive for a reason: they look good and talk sweetly. Only a fool fights adultery by pretending the woman is ugly. Fathers and mothers in particular need to understand this with their sons. Telling them that girl on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition is ugly is a lie. And boys know this. It is better to say, “Yes that woman is beautiful, but she isn’t yours. And lusting after her will destroy your soul.” Boys (and men) must learn to say no to what looks good and would certainly be a delight initially.  What mother keeps her son from eating cookies before dinner by telling him the cookies won’t taste good?

III. Her End is Destruction-See Proverbs 2:18-22, 5:4-14, 6:26-35 and 7:21-27. This destruction can be poverty, an angry husband or father, loss of a job, loss of a wife, or loss of reputation. Whatever it is, the man who indulges his lusts has picked up fire. However, the destruction can take a while to show up. Men can be lulled into believing that the judgment of God is a fiction. A man can indulge his lusts year after year and believe he is getting away with it. He can flirt with the girl at work for quite a while and believe God does not see. But it is only a matter of time before the illusion of invincibility is pulled away. When a man gives in to sexual temptation with his body, at his computer, or in his mind over and over again destruction is assured.

How to Protect Yourself
1. Stay far away from her-Proverbs 5:8 and 7:25-26. The man in Proverbs 7 went near her house. If we hang around a seductive woman it is like dancing around a trap (Proverbs 7:23).  We will get caught. In the world of the Internet this is increasingly difficult. Half-naked woman show up on all sorts of clean sites. You can watch explicit sex scenes on Netflix or Amazon. But the principle still holds. Move past those images as quickly as possible.  Don’t watch that show. Refuse to go to lunch with the co-workers because of that short skirt and those flirty eyes. Notice in 7:26 that all men killed by the seductive woman were strong men or mighty men. We tend to believe that we can handle it. “I know that friend of mine fell, but I won’t,” said every fool that has ever lived. The truth is we are weak. Run men. Run.

2. A vigorous married life-Proverbs 5:15-20. Delighting in the marriage bed is a helpful deterrent to adultery. Proverbs uses breasts and intoxication in the same verse (Proverbs 5:19) for  a reason. God expects us to enjoy sex with our spouses. He intended it to be good.  The goal is not to have great sex by the world’s standard. You don’t need to go buy a manual on how to have the perfect orgasm. The goal is to be thoroughly satisfied by your wife. If the marriage bed is cold then our temptations will be stronger and wills weaker. 

3. Remember the eyes of the Lord-Proverbs 5:21. God is always in the room. He is always at the office or the gym. He knows when we take a second glance. He knows we went a certain way to get a look at that girl. He knows we watched a movie or TV show just see the sex scene. He sees all the way in. When a man longs for righteousness this is a good thing. He wants the added accountability that comes with knowing God is there. But when a man is hypocrite the last thing he wants to remember is that God is there. Does God’s presence scare you or comfort you? 

4. Guard your heart-Proverbs 4:23, 6:25 and 7:25. The greatest danger to your morality is not porn, co-workers, the gym, or Netflix. The greatest danger is you. Jesus says in Matthew 15:16-20 that all our sins come from the inside out. James 1:14-15 says the same thing. We sin not because of what is out there in the world, but because of what is in our hearts. Here is why certain practical steps, such as Covenant Eyes or accountability partners, cannot ultimately help. They can be a good stop gap and I recommend them for those struggling. These steps are not useless. But they do not guarantee purity of heart.  It is possible to not look at porn and still struggle with lust. A man doesn’t have to have hundreds of nude images on his computer to be in danger of adultery. Take the practical steps you need to, but continue to work on your heart. Through the Word, Spirit, and God’s Spirit filled people we must not just monitor our outward actions, but also our inward motivations. Why do we do what we do? What is going on inside that no one sees? We need to reshape what we love. Learn to love Jesus more and your lusts less. Some key ways we do this are by reading and memorizing Scripture (Psalm 119:11) and gathering for weekly worship (Hebrews 10:25).

No, It Really Isn’t That Hard

In a recent article in the Huffington Post, Wendy Davis, a Democratic politician from Texas who tried to become governor said this:

She is angry about the threat of Planned Parenthood being defunded. She thinks abortion is great. She thinks it is unfair for women to have carry children to term. 
Several thoughts went through my mind as I read this. First, the use of “literally” is like, totally, lame. 
Second, no one is forcing women into being child bearing vessels. They are born that way.  God made women to bear children. They do not enter this world with no reproductive organs and then some scientist inserts a womb. They enter this world with wombs and breasts, which are for carrying, giving birth to, and feeding children. 
Third, very few women are forced to bear children. The only exception would be a pregnant rape victim. All other women know that having sex can lead to children and they chose to do it anyway. If they don’t want children then they shouldn’t have sex. Typically we see in this statement by Ms. Davis the divorcing of sex from procreation. She wants to chant, “Make love, not children.” The world doesn’t work that way. 
Finally, is it really that hard to feed and educate a bunch of children? Raising children is hard work. But feeding them and educating them is not the most difficult part. In fact, I have never had a problem feeding or educating my children. One year I made less than thirteen thousand dollars and my children (at that time I had four) were still fed, clothed, and educated. Currently, I have nine children. My wife has not worked for money in many years. I am a pastor. In other words, I am not rich, have a lot of children, and my wife does not work. You might think I would struggle to make ends meet. But that is not the case. We feed our children just fine without using government money.  We home school our children and they regularly score above the national average on tests. In other words, I pay for my kids school and I pay for someone else’s kids school. My church is kind to me, but I know that even with nine children I could feed and educate them on a lot less than what I currently make. 
Everyone does not have to do it my way, though I think you should avoid the schools of Molech. And I know there are hard cases where it is difficult to pay the bills. But most people by hard work, careful use of resources, sacrifice, and a refusal to buy everything being sold by the advertisers can feed and educate their children, even when they have a lot of them. It is getting harder to make ends meet. But that is because of all the taxes being taken from the people to fund overseas wars, public school, welfare, and Planned Parenthood. We can feed and educate our children as long the Republicans and Democrats will let us keep our money.  So the answer is not more government programs or abortion. The answer is lower taxes, hard work, and lots of little feet.