Category Archives: Parenting

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April 3, 2014

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Children, Parenting, Reformation

A Most Fearsome Specter

More from Steven Ozment:

It is a great, self-serving myth of the modern world that the children in former times were raised as near slaves by domineering, loveless fathers who owed them nothing, the home a training ground for the docile subjects of absolute rulers. To the contrary, from prenatal care to their indoctrination in schools, there is every evidence that children were considered special and were loved by their parents and teachers, their nurture the highest of human vocations, their proper moral and vocational training humankind’s best hope. Parenthood was a conditional trust, not an absolute right, and the home was a model of benevolent and just rule for the “state” to emulate.

In the sixteenth century children were raised and educated above all to be social beings; in this sense they had more duties toward their parents and society than they had rights independent of them. This did not mean that the family lacked an internal identity or that loving relationships failed to develop between spouses, between parents and children, and among siblings. Privacy and social extension were not perceived contradictory. The great fear was not that children would be abused by adult authority but that children might grow up to place their own individual rights above society’s common good. To the people of Reformation Europe no specter was more fearsome than a society in which the desires of individuals eclipsed their sense of social duty. The prevention of just that possibility became the common duty of every Christian parent, teacher, and magistrate. 

How striking this last paragraph is when compared to modern rhetoric about rights.  Almost every child in this country is raised to think about themselves, their needs, their wants, and their desires. The fundamental question they ask is, “What can you do for me?” They come not to serve or do their duty to family, state, and community. Rather they come to be served. Service to their fellow man is the least of their concerns. Their own rights their greatest concern. In that way children of today are raised to have a fundamentally different orientation that children of the previous generations. The blame for our children turning out this way is to be found in Ozment’s last sentence. Parents, teachers, and magistrates fail to teach selfless duty and fail to model it.

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March 13, 2014

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Children, Fathers, Motherhood, Parenting

Spanking in Reformation Europe

Here is an interesting quote from Steven Ozment’s book When Fathers Ruled.  All punctuation and italics are Ozment’s.

When the unpleasant task of spanking was necessary, always as last resort, the housefather books, summarizing generations of advice on corporal punishment, instructed fathers never to punish a child to the point that he became terrorized, embittered, or moved to anger against a parent; fathers, after all, are not “hangmen.” A proper spanking should be timely, coming on the heels of the infraction; “coolly” administered; calmly explained and justified in advance (a spanking was a rational exercise); and accompanied by profuse assurance of parental love…Spanking a child also required a degree of humility on the part of the parent because its very occurrence attested to the incompleteness, if not also the imperfection, of his child rearing.

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February 14, 2014

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Parenting

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A Primer on Family Worship

Family worship should be a regular part of the life of a Christian family. However, most of us did not grow up with family worship. Naturally we have questions about how it is to be done. When I started family worship I expected way too much. I went way too long and was pretty boring. My children’s eyes quickly got that look of chained up prisoners instead of joyful participants.  I thought I would describe my family’s practice in hopes that it might help you avoid some of the same mistakes.

What are the Parts of Family Worship?
We tend to make this more complicated than it actually is. There are three core elements of family worship: Scripture, song, and prayer. You can also add Scripture memory and/or catechism if you wish.

Here is our current practice in order. My practice is not Scripture.

Memorization-Usually I read the verse we are learning, the children repeat after me line by line, then we all say it together. A few days of this and we usually have it down.

Scripture Reading-I read a passage of Scripture and try to bring out one clear point to leave with the children. I open it up for questions and comments at the end. I have children ranging from 1 year to 14 years. I try to keep the younger ones involved by asking questions or making them repeat phrases, such as Satan is the great dragon. (We are currently reading Revelation.) I also try to answer the questions the older ones have without letting it get too long winded.

Singing-We sing a song, usually one we will be singing the following Sunday in corporate worship. Since many of our children cannot read we try to learn the song by hearing it instead of reading. This means we will often sing verse one until we get it. Then we will move on to verse 2 the following night. If you are not musically inclined, get one of your devices and sing along to the song on Youtube or another website.

Prayer-We end with prayer. I vary this up quite a bit. Sometimes I just pray. Often I will have a couple of the children pray. The older the child is the more freedom I give them. For example, with my thirteen year old I would just say, “Son can you pray for someone at church?” With my 6 year old I would say, “Amelia, can you please give thanks to God for Mrs. So and So’s new baby?” Don’t make this prayer time too long.

All in all, this takes about fifteen minutes. As the kids get older, don’t be afraid to go a bit longer or dismiss the younger  kids and keep the older ones around for some more instruction.

How Can We Be More Consistent?
Consistency is probably the greatest difficulty in family worship. We will do it for a few nights or a week, but then something will happen and we will stop for a while. Then we will pick it back up again. Here are some things I have learned that help with consistency.

We try to get it in every day. This may seem obvious, but doing family worship once a week will not help with consistency. Even on Sunday we will often sit down and read together in the afternoon. Sometimes I will vary Sunday up by reading some of the kids favorite passages. If you try for every day you will often get it in 4-5 times a week. That is enough to produce consistency.

We do family worship at the same time. By this I do not mean 7pm or 6 am. I mean we fit it in the same slot everyday. We do ours right after dinner. We clear the table then gather in the living room for family worship. It might be 6, 6:30, or 7. The exact time is not as important as the children learning that worship immediately follows dinner.

We do it in the same place. As 21st century Christians, we tend to have deficient view of place We think that worship is worship no matter where you are. There is some truth here. But there is a great benefit to using the same place for the same thing every time. It provides consistency and a trigger for the children.

We don’t do it if it gets too late. How does this help with consistency? We can become reluctant if the last family worship experience was terrible. If all the kids have bags under their eyes then get them to bed and try to get to it earlier tomorrow. The same goes for having family worship in the morning. If the children were up too late, let them sleep.  If you find it getting too late several nights in a row you will want to adjust some other things to make sure you have time for it.

When we miss a few days, we don’t get discourage. Family worship is a wonderful way for a family to experience God’s grace. God’s grace means we don’t fall into self-pity or act like family worship is a work we do to earn God’s favor.  Let it go if you missed it. Move on and try to get it in next time. Don’t get discouraged.

I wanted to end with the great quote from Thomas Chalmers. He was a pastor in England in the early 1800s. His quote is a good reminder that regular, small efforts are what make the greatest difference in our lives.

“It is not by irregular efforts that any great practical achievement is overtaken. It is by the constant recurrence and repetition of small efforts directed to a given object, and resolutely sustained and persevered in.”

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July 30, 2013

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Obedience, Parenting

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Obedience is the Door to Joy

Reformation begins with a Spirit-given desire to submit fully and completely to the Scriptures. It does not matter whether this reformation begins in the home or the church or in the community. Sitting humbly under the Word is an essential ingredient.

In my home one of the ways I have worked towards reformation is by getting my children to obey me. This is not easy in our culture where both authority and submission are despised. By getting my children to obey, I am learning to obey. But as with any good thing there are dangers. One of the great dangers of teaching my children to obey is to view their obedience as the goal instead of the means to a greater goal. The Westminster Shorter Catechism very succinctly names the goal we should have in life:

Question: What is the chief end of man?

Answer: The chief  end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. 

In a delightful phrase that I, unfortunately, just found, The Belgic Confession says that God is the “overflowing fountain of all good.” (Article I) The goal is enjoying God, not obeying him. Now, you cannot have joy without obedience. But it is possible to have a type of obedience that does not lead to joy. It is possible to teach our children to obey without ever leading them through the door to joy.

Do we teach them to obey so they might enjoy the goodness of God? Do we view obedience as a door to a mansion where all the rooms are filled with the wonders of God or do we view it as the last stop on the train? Is teaching our children to obey a way setting them free or a way controlling them? Let me use the dinner table and bedtime as examples of what I mean.

At our table we have rules. These are not written in the Bible, but they are “house rules” that my wife and I have set up for our table. If I was going to use a Bible verse to justify these rules it would be Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another.” Manners at the table are a way of being kind. Some of these rules are: wait until mom and sisters are seated before the men sit, chew quietly, do not interrupt, do not eat with your fingers (with exceptions for pizza, fried chicken, and PB&J), etc. The point of having and enforcing these rules is not just to keep our children under control. These rules make our table a place of joy. (Needless to say it does not always work out this way.) We sing at the table. We tell jokes and puns. We tell stories. We listen to stories, even from the littlest ones. We ask questions. We discuss world events and events in our homes. We learn what our children are thinking and what they care about. None of this is possible without obedience. But obedience is not the goal. The goal is joy around the table.

Bedtime is the same way. I do not make my children obey at bedtime so I can simply say, “Bedtime” and they all snap to it. I teach  my children to obey at bedtime so we can pray together, talk a bit, maybe sing. In other words I teach them to obey so we can end the day enjoying God and each other.

The goal in all of life is to find great joy in God, his people, and his world. Obedience is a door to this goal, but it is not the goal itself. To stop and sit in the door of a great house would be an insult to the master of the house.

Here are three questions to consider:

First, are you teaching your children to obey? Do you know that by allowing them to disobey you are keeping them from enjoying God and this world? Disobedience brings bondage.

Second, you parents who are trying to get your children to obey are you leading your children to joy through obedience or are you sitting in the door examining the hinges? Is your house filled with joyless obedience? If you have obedient children, but no joy then neither you nor your children are being obedient, no matter how well they listen.

Third, parents how do you view your own obedience? Do you view obedience as a means to enjoying God? Or do you view obedience as the end, the goal itself?

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January 25, 2013

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Grace, Marriage, Parenting

Bartering and Blessing

If you want to read the first part of this post go here. I am now going to address two objections to the idea that we should not give to get and then end with some ways to have a more biblical mindset when giving, whether it is time, energy, or possessions.
But Doesn’t God Promise Blessing to Those Who Obey?
                It could appear that what I said previously contradicts the idea the God blesses us for obedience. If we give to God won’t we get back from God? God does promise blessing if we obey and we should strive after those blessings. And we should seek to obey everything God has commanded. But this is not the same thing as trading with God so he will give us what we want. And while the difference is not always easy to discern it is real and important. Paul knew he had fought the good fight and had a crown of glory laid up for him. But he also knew that God owed him nothing.  Paul did not treat God like a puppet.
                The trick here is the definition of blessing.  Usually for us blessing means I get what I want when I want it. In the Scriptures there are blessings in this life that come with obedience. So yes the man who avoids sinners and meditates on God’s Word will be blessed (Psalm 1).  But those blessings are not defined by us. We don’t get to say, “Lord, I will trade you a good prayer life for a new wife.”  “Lord I will read my Bible every day and you will make sure my job doesn’t fall through.” (Remember these trades are usually unspoken.) You could read God’s Word and meditate on God’s Word and get fired for obeying it. Even in Psalm 1 the ultimate blessing is in the end when we stand with God’s people after the wicked have been driven away (verses 4-5).  The problem with a bartering mindset is that we set the rules. We say, “I will trade you this for that.” That is not the same thing as saying, “I know God blesses obedience, so I am going to obey him and he will bless when and how he sees fit.”  The first views God as if we are a consumer. The second views God as if we are his sons and heirs.
                And of course, the greatest blessing is God himself.
But Shouldn’t Relationships Have Some Give and Take?
                One person commented on my post by asking about friendships.  They said, “Shouldn’t friendships be built on a give and take type relationship?”  The answer to this is, “No.” Friendships should be built on giving. We should pour ourselves out for those around us, whether it is family or friends or our brothers and sisters at church.  Of course, we will benefit from most friendships when we pour ourselves out for others. This is seen clearly in passages like Ephesians 5:28 where it is said that the man who loves his wife loves himself.  Throughout Proverbs there is the idea that a man who disciplines his son benefits with the son giving honor to the father.  In other words, the Bible teaches  that we are blessed when we give.
                But this is not the same thing as giving so we will get. The question is not do we receive blessing when we give to others. We do. The question is do we think we deserve it. Do we believe that if we give x they must give y? And as with God, we often trade for a specific thing. If I am nice to her she will help me with my children. If I serve at church in this way, then the leaders will give me more responsibility later. We should not have this mindset. We should not be giving so others will give to us now or in the future. We should give freely to our friends and family and let God bring blessings through them when he sees fit.
Learning to Give Not Trade
                First, learn to give in circumstances where there is no immediate benefit.  Care for a child when the child cannot give anything back to you.  Show respect to someone who doesn’t respect you.  Do a good deed that no one else will see.
                Second, drink deep of God’s many kindnesses to you.  The more we meditate on God’s kindness the easier it will be for us to express that same undeserved kindness to others.
                Third, do things for people secretly. This does not mean every gift must be a secret. But doing things secretly can show us the state of our heart.  If it is hard then we know we give because we like praise.
                Fourth, learn to say thank you instead of trying to pay someone back for a gift.
                Fifth, strive whenever you do something for your children or spouse to do it for their good and their good alone. Our hearts are very deceitful here. We can often do something that appears to be the right thing, say teaching our children to do chores, but instead of doing it for the good of our children we are doing it for our good. We are trading, bartering with them instead of giving to them.