With the collapse of patriotism and our cynical culture it is easy to raise our sons with very little loyalty. We tear everything down. But in the end that means we love nothing and no one. In this podcast I encourage parents, but particularly fathers, to raise their children with a fierce loyalty to the local church, their family, and their community.
For in this manner, in former times,the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror (I Peter 3:5-6).
Few subjects are so fraught with danger as the teaching that wives should submit to their husbands. There are numerous reasons for this. First, the church has played the whore with the world on this particular subject. Thus Christian women have been taught that Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, and I Peter 3:1- 6 are irrelevant to their lives as Christians. Second, too many Christian men treat their wives like dirt in the name of submission. Third, too many Christian wives really don’t want to submit, though they want desperately to look like they are. Thus hypocrisy reigns. Therefore Ephesians 5:22-33 and passages like it are often torn to shreds or ignored. What our Christian fathers took as obvious, has become the subject of scholarly debate, which often means the plain teaching of Scripture is obscured by various academic studies showing that the text does not really mean what it says. Scholars, and eventually pastors, throw just enough mud in the water so we cannot see what is plainly there. That way we can continue compromising with a clean conscience.
Here are some exhortations on submission I gave to my congregation in a sermon several years ago.
First, here is my definition of submission for a wife. A wife submits when she honors and obeys her husband with a respectful attitude and cheerfulness out of her love for Christ and trust in God. Submission does not mean a wife never speaks up. Submission does not mean a wife allows sin, such as abuse, porn, etc. to go on. Submission does not mean a woman never suggests to her husband a different option than the one he has recommended. But it does mean that a wife have an attitude of following, submitting, and obeying her husband which shows itself in the concrete action of you know, following him. He is her head, her lord (I Peter 3:6).
Your submission is ultimately to Christ and His Word. To submit to your husband is to submit to Christ and trust God. You cannot reject your husband’s leadership and claim to be under Christ. Ladies, Satan loves to drive a wedge between love for Christ and practical obedience. He tells you that you can love Jesus, but not submit to your husband. He is a liar. Love for Christ always shows itself in concrete obedience to the Word of God. For a wife part of her obedience to Christ is submission to her husband.
In general, the only time you should not submit to your husband is if he is asking you to do something unbiblical. Just because he says it rudely, you think he is not loving you enough, you mother or girlfriends think it is a bad idea, or you don’t want to do it does not mean submission is optional (I Peter 3). A submissive heart is proven at those moments where you don’t feel like obeying.
Submission should be willing and cheerful. Grumbling obedience is not obedience. A wife who follows, but with a nagging, complaining attitude is not really submitting.
Submission should be sincere, that is from the heart. There are many women who submit publicly when all are watching, but privately they pull all the right levers to get their way. This is hypocrisy and the Lord hates it. A husband who is kind to his wife in public, but berates her in private is an abomination. So too, a wife is an abomination who pretends submission, but really functions as the head.
Practice submitting when you don’t have to. When you know you could get your way, don’t. Learn to follow.
Submit when he is not around. What does he want you to do? View yourself as under his authority. When he leaves for work or you are out with your friends you are not free to do as you please. Can he trust you while he sits in the gates (Proverbs 31:11)?
Ask him for his opinion. Bring him questions. How you are doing with the house, the meals, and the children? Be ready to receive his answer. Be active in your submission, not just responding to his suggestions, but seeking out his input.
Submission is good for you. God knows what is best. Submission is not God’s cruel trick to keep you in your place. Submission is God’s perfect will for you. Do not buy the lie that submission is a grievous burden laid on you by a patriarchal society.
Expect the world to hate you for submitting to your husband. The world loves independent women who don’t need a man. A wife cheerfully submitting to her husband is one of the most mocked characters in our cultural landscape. Even many Christians believe a woman like this is weak. But you are not. Sarah trusted God, obeyed Abraham, and called him lord. She is your mother in the faith. Be a daughter of Sarah by submitting to your husband.
Here is a quote from Getting Serious About Getting Married. The book argues why singleness is not the preferred status for men or women. The book is not perfect, but it is a step in the right direction. Here is one of my favorite quotes in the book. Not unexpectly, it comes from Martin Luther.
Many think they can evade marriage by having their fling for a time and then becoming righteous….If one in a thousand succeeds in this that would be doing very well. He who intends to lead a chaste life had better begin early, and attain it not with but without fornication either by the grace of God or by marriage…
Why should one not forestall immorality by means of marriage? For if special grace does not exempt a person, his nature must and will compel him to produce seed and multiply. If this does not occur in marriage, how else can it occur except in fornication and secret sins?
But, they say, suppose I am neither married nor immoral, and force myself to remain continent [celibate/single/chaste]? Do you not hear that restraint is impossible without special grace? For God’s Word does not admit restraint; neither does it lie when it says, “Be fruitful and multiply.”….You can neither escape nor restrain yourself from being fruitful and multiplying; it is God’s ordinance and takes its course….
Whoever finds himself unsuited to the celibate life should see to it right way that the has something to do and to work at it; then let him strike out in God’s name and get married.
There are four sections in the early chapters of Proverbs that deal with the theme of sexual morality; 2:10-22, 5:1-23, 6:20-35, and 7:1-27. Solomon felt this was a major issue in the life of young men. No other subject, outside of wisdom itself, dominates Proverbs 1-10 like the issue of adultery and the seductive woman. Reading the four sections one can see three key themes:
I. Wisdom Precedes Holiness-See Proverbs 2:10-11, 5:1-2, 6:20-23 and 7:1-5. Solomon begins his discussion of sexual sin in the same place he began the discussion of wise living (Proverbs 1:7), the fear of the Lord. All the practical hedges in the world will not a protect a man who does not walk in the wisdom. Wisdom, that is fearing God, precedes a righteous life. Holiness does not begin with actions, but with attitudes that lead to specific God-honoring actions.
II. The Harlot is Attractive-See Proverbs 2:16, 5:3, 6:24-25 and 7:10-21. The harlot is not an ugly woman with four teeth, who cannot string two words together. She is beautiful and flattering with her speech. Men need to acknowledge that seductive women are seductive for a reason: they look good and talk sweetly. Only a fool fights adultery by pretending the woman is ugly. Fathers and mothers in particular need to understand this with their sons. Telling them that girl on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition is ugly is a lie. And boys know this. It is better to say, “Yes that woman is beautiful, but she isn’t yours. And lusting after her will destroy your soul.” Boys (and men) must learn to say no to what looks good and would certainly be a delight initially. What mother keeps her son from eating cookies before dinner by telling him the cookies won’t taste good?
III. Her End is Destruction-See Proverbs 2:18-22, 5:4-14, 6:26-35 and 7:21-27. This destruction can be poverty, an angry husband or father, loss of a job, loss of a wife, or loss of reputation. Whatever it is, the man who indulges his lusts has picked up fire. However, the destruction can take a while to show up. Men can be lulled into believing that the judgment of God is a fiction. A man can indulge his lusts year after year and believe he is getting away with it. He can flirt with the girl at work for quite a while and believe God does not see. But it is only a matter of time before the illusion of invincibility is pulled away. When a man gives in to sexual temptation with his body, at his computer, or in his mind over and over again destruction is assured.
How to Protect Yourself
1. Stay far away from her-Proverbs 5:8 and 7:25-26. The man in Proverbs 7 went near her house. If we hang around a seductive woman it is like dancing around a trap (Proverbs 7:23). We will get caught. In the world of the Internet this is increasingly difficult. Half-naked woman show up on all sorts of clean sites. You can watch explicit sex scenes on Netflix or Amazon. But the principle still holds. Move past those images as quickly as possible. Don’t watch that show. Refuse to go to lunch with the co-workers because of that short skirt and those flirty eyes. Notice in 7:26 that all men killed by the seductive woman were strong men or mighty men. We tend to believe that we can handle it. “I know that friend of mine fell, but I won’t,” said every fool that has ever lived. The truth is we are weak. Run men. Run.
2. A vigorous married life-Proverbs 5:15-20. Delighting in the marriage bed is a helpful deterrent to adultery. Proverbs uses breasts and intoxication in the same verse (Proverbs 5:19) for a reason. God expects us to enjoy sex with our spouses. He intended it to be good. The goal is not to have great sex by the world’s standard. You don’t need to go buy a manual on how to have the perfect orgasm. The goal is to be thoroughly satisfied by your wife. If the marriage bed is cold then our temptations will be stronger and wills weaker.
3. Remember the eyes of the Lord-Proverbs 5:21. God is always in the room. He is always at the office or the gym. He knows when we take a second glance. He knows we went a certain way to get a look at that girl. He knows we watched a movie or TV show just see the sex scene. He sees all the way in. When a man longs for righteousness this is a good thing. He wants the added accountability that comes with knowing God is there. But when a man is hypocrite the last thing he wants to remember is that God is there. Does God’s presence scare you or comfort you?
4. Guard your heart-Proverbs 4:23, 6:25 and 7:25. The greatest danger to your morality is not porn, co-workers, the gym, or Netflix. The greatest danger is you. Jesus says in Matthew 15:16-20 that all our sins come from the inside out. James 1:14-15 says the same thing. We sin not because of what is out there in the world, but because of what is in our hearts. Here is why certain practical steps, such as Covenant Eyes or accountability partners, cannot ultimately help. They can be a good stop gap and I recommend them for those struggling. These steps are not useless. But they do not guarantee purity of heart. It is possible to not look at porn and still struggle with lust. A man doesn’t have to have hundreds of nude images on his computer to be in danger of adultery. Take the practical steps you need to, but continue to work on your heart. Through the Word, Spirit, and God’s Spirit filled people we must not just monitor our outward actions, but also our inward motivations. Why do we do what we do? What is going on inside that no one sees? We need to reshape what we love. Learn to love Jesus more and your lusts less. Some key ways we do this are by reading and memorizing Scripture (Psalm 119:11) and gathering for weekly worship (Hebrews 10:25).
Hell Week is the beginning of Navy SEAL training. Many consider it the hardest week of military training in the world. It begins sometime on Sunday afternoon/evening and runs until the following Friday at 5:00. It involves days of going without sleep or with very short sleep, as in less than an hour. They throw you in the water and keep you there until you are minutes away from hypothermia. You run one mile to breakfast and one mile back to where you exercise. You do the same thing at lunch and at dinner. That is in excess of all the regular running you do. You do push ups and more push ups and more push ups. You run into the Pacific Ocean then come out and roll in the sand. You are pushed until your body burns and then they demand more. The Navy wants to see if you would rather die than quit. If the answer is yes, then you can stay. If no, there is a bell you can ring. When you ring the bell they will give you good food, a hot shower, and ticket out of hell.
At first glance, this may seem like the last place to get tips on how to be a good mother. You have a bunch of cussing, physically strong, tough warriors who are training to go into dark, dangerous places and either rescue or kill people. What does SEAL training have to do with mothering?
The answer is simple: pressure. Mothering a bunch of little children is a pressure packed life. It may not be drill instructors, but there is usually a lot of screaming and crying. There are days of pure exhaustion. You probably walk miles a day following the little ones around. You may feel like you only get short periods of rest. There are moments where you want to ring the bell and just get a hot shower.
So how do the SEALs get through? Marcus Luttrell’s commander gave him some great advice before he went to Hell Week.
First, of all I don’t want you to give in to the pressure of the moment. Whenever you are hurting bad, just hang in there. Finish the day…Second, take it one day at a time…Don’t let your thoughts run away with you, don’t start planning to bail because you’re worried about the future and how much you can take. Don’t look ahead to the pain. Just get through the day.(Emphasis mine)
Luttrell said very few men dropped out because they were physically unfit. It was the mental side of things that destroyed them. On Monday morning they were thinking, “How can I take another five days of this?” They stopped thinking about what was right in front of them and worried about what was coming. The key to survival was to not think about the coming days. Just focus on what is in front of you. Just get through the next set of push ups, the next run, the next swim.
The good news is that the Lord does give mothers breaks and moments of joy. It is not hell raising children. It is a glorious job, filled with wonders and delights. But there are times when the pressure builds where you feel ready to explode and you wish there was a bell to ring. When that moment comes don’t think to yourself, “How can I handle six more hours of this?” Or “How can I get through the week with the kids vomiting all over the place?” Or “Can I endure six more months of pregnancy?” Instead just focus on what is in front of you. Just get through the next diaper, the next fussy kid, the next meal, the next tantrum, the next labor contraction, the next exhortation to do chores, etc. In doing so you will be obeying the many commands in Scripture to not worry (Matthew 6:25-33, Philippians 4:6). And you will be earning a reward far greater than the “Congratulations” the SEALs get at the end of Hell Week. You will earn the right to hear those wonderful words, “Well done good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).
Repost from February 2014
Singing & Slaying 