Category Archives: Parenting

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January 22, 2013

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Grace, Marriage, Parenting

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Giving So We Can Get

                As a boy I loved to trade baseball and football cards with my friends. We would meet on Saturday morning, go to the local supermarket, buy a few packs, open them up and then decide what we wanted to keep and what we wanted to trade.   Of course, what you could get from your friends always depended on what you had. If I got a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card or Brett Favre special edition then I could get something in return. But if all I had was a lame 15 year veteran who had never really done much then I was stuck.
                I was talking to a friend last week and we were discussing how we treat our wives and God and it became clear that even as grown men we still like to trade. But now instead of trading cards we are trading good deeds for good deeds. I will do this for you, if you will do this for me.  We give so we can get. The more I thought about this the uglier it became. I realized that as Christians we often approach life like we are trading cards (or whatever girls traded when they were young).  Here are some ways we do this:
Parenting
                I never traded a card if I did not think I was getting something better in return.  Parents can adopt this same mindset. They do not give for the sake of the child, but for the sake of the parent. This can work a thousand different ways, but here are some examples. I bought you those clothes so now you must show me respect.  I spent time playing a game with you, so now you should happily do your chores. I spent my time and money to educate you, so now you must get a job that I approve of.  We can do this with spanking as well. Spanking can become a way of getting from the child instead of giving to the child. We are trading some swats for what we want. Now obviously all of these things, buying clothes, playing games, etc. are good things and we should do them. But there is often a spirit behind them that does not reflect the love of God towards us. The things we do become hooks in our child to bind them to us instead of training for our child to be free to follow God. The parents do not spend their life giving. They spend their life trading.
Marriage
                Spouses do the same thing in marriage.  The wife cooks all day and thinks her husband should now be nice to her because of her labor in the kitchen. The husband treats his wife to a nice dinner on Friday night so he can watch football on Sunday afternoon.  The wife submits to her husband in one easy area so she won’t have to in another more difficult area.  The husband is kind in public so he can be a jerk in private.  The possibilities are endless. Just like the parents the spouses here are trading, not giving.

Our Walk with God
                And of course, we can do this with God as well. We barter with God. God if I pray every day then I expect my life to be easier.  If I show up at church every week then I won’t get fired or fall into financial ruin. If I clean up my life then you will bring a wife/husband. If I read my Bible every day then I will not get cancer or my child won’t die in a car wreck. If I preach faithfully then my church will grow by leaps and bounds. If I start obeying here then I expect you to bless me over here. And on and on it goes. We are trading with God. We are not giving. We are treating God like a vending machine where if we put in so much time or obedience then he will dispense blessings.
We can do this with our fellow church members as well or for me I can do it with my flock.
                One final point here: these trades are usually unspoken.  We would never say I am playing with my child so they will do their chores well.  Or I will be nice to my wife so she will let me spend some extra money next week.  So the words are rarely spoken, but that doesn’t mean the trade is not happening.
Dangers with this Mindset
                First, we begin to look at people based on what they can give us. You don’t trade with people who have nothing to offer.  Unless the person has something worth trading they are of little value to us. At best we put up with them and at worse we totally reject them.

                Second, we are frequently disappointed when God, our children, or our spouses do not deliver on their part of the trade.  People who live this way are bitter because they thought they were trading for $50.00 rookie card and got a 2 cent card instead.

                Third, we can assume that others are treating us the same way.  We look at a kindness done to us and we assume the other person wants to trade with us. So we try to give back to them in some way.  And this cuts out true thanksgiving. True thanksgiving comes when something is given, not when something is traded for.

                Fourth, our children will learn to function this way. They will drink from our well and learn to be kind to those from whom they can get something in return.

                Fifth, we misunderstand God’s grace in our lives. If we think that God is in the bartering business we are blind to our own sinfulness and God’s goodness to us. God was not kind to us because of what we could give back to him.  We can offer him nothing that he does not already have.

                Sixth, we obscure God’s grace to those around us. When we trade with those around us we are not treating them as God treats us.  We are like a carnival mirror giving a distorted picture of who God really is.
Well there is the diagnosis.   Tomorrow I will talk about obedience and blessing and will also suggest some ways to cure this particular disease. 
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September 21, 2012

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Homeschooling, Parenting

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Are Homeschooling Girls Maturing Too Fast?

            Recently I read an article by Tracy Keen about homeschooling girls. The article argued that there is a “disturbing trend” in homeschooling where young girls are forced to grow up too fast. The article made some good points. The dangers she mentions are ones that any homeschooling family should think and pray through. But the article was not very clear at certain points and thus produced some “yeah, but” moments as I read.  Some of this might be due to the nature of a short article and the fact that we run in different circles. However, I still thought it good to clarify some points. You will not understand my points thoroughly if you do not read her post. I would encourage you to do that then come back here. I do not know Mrs. Keen and have never read her before. So this is simply and interaction with this article and not an attack on her. 

            Mrs. Keen’s thesis is stated thus, “too many young girls in the Christian world are also losing out on their childhood innocence as their parents push and prod them to mature faster than they are ready.” She then goes on to give four specific examples; girls are being given too much responsibility at a young age, they dress like their mothers, they cannot talk with their peers, and they are being called on to teach older women about running their homes when they themselves have not run a home. She closes by saying,
“Girls raised in Christian homes need to be free to still be innocent, fun-loving children, tweens, teens, and then young women. If the heart of your daughter has truly been changed by Christ and she is given the time she needs to mature as a result of your Godly training, you will begin to see her develop into a Godly young woman first and then on to a Godly woman.”
There are several good points in the article.  
First, we should be careful about crushing our daughters under duties that only a grown woman is supposed to have. We need to pay attention to their development and pray how best we can help them grow in godliness. This is especially true of large families with daughters. There is a temptation to keep piling on.
Second, it is a great point that younger women should not be teaching older women on topics that older women have experience on.  This would include parenting, homeschooling, etc. I agree this trend is bad. There are topics young ladies may be able to lecture on that older women could benefit from. But this should certainly be the rare exception.  The young ladies in our communities should be content to sit under, listen to, and learn from the older women at their church and in their homeschooling community. Moms should also be content for their daughters to do that and not push them to the podium too quickly.
Third, there is a danger of making our daughters into trophies for the world to admire instead of tools for Christ to use.  This is a danger in any environment with high standards. Of course, that does not mean we drop high standards. It means we pray for and cultivate humility in our daughters and teach our daughters dependence upon Christ’s shed blood and not their own labors.
Fourth, a daughter does need freedom to develop godly individuality.  A daughter is to be modest, but this does not mean she must dress just like mom or act just like mom. It is a temptation for moms to make daughters in their own image. However, what if the daughters are imitating mom because they love her and not because mom is squishing their individuality? If a mother is keeping the daughter on too short a leash this should be addressed. But just because a daughter dresses like mom does not mean the mom is being too heavy-handed.
Here are some points of clarification or disagreement.

First, she cites no biblical evidence for her claim that children should be allowed to remain innocent and fun-loving. Where Biblically is there a danger of having them grow up too fast?  I think Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4 could point us in that direction. Matthew 23:4 is also a verse that should be used more in homeschooling circles.  If you are going to raise a specific criticism against a portion of the Body of Christ, then it needs to backed up with some biblical texts. 
Second, she overstates the case when she says that the trend towards pre-mature daughters in homeschooling circles is just as disturbing as the over sexualization of young girls in the culture at large. These are not equivalents. I am often guilty of overstating. It is easy to do on a blog. However, she should have toned down that comment.
Third, she doesn’t give concrete ways to tell if our daughters are growing up too fast. What are some signs that my daughter is not ready for what I am giving her? How do I know that I am asking too much of her at too young an age? What is a “large responsibility?”  How do I evaluate the difference between pushing my daughter and burdening her? Most examples she provides are not helpful. Dressing like mom may or may not be a sign that the parents are asking too much. The one clear sign she gave was wanting to or mom wanting her to teach older women. But this will only apply to a small number of families. The article indicates that I might be sick, but gave me no real symptoms to look for.
Fourth, I agree it is wrong for a daughter to regularly be a substitute mother, especially at too young an age.  A mom should not make her daughter run her home in her place. If the mother has abdicated her role she should be admonished. But this is not what is usually occurring. Usually, it is simply division of labor. The daughter makes dinner so mom can teach the boys math. The daughter changes the babies’ diaper because mom is making dinner. The daughter goes to get ice cream from one side of the store so mom can get meat on the other side.  In other words, mom is not stepping back and letting her daughters take over. It is so that family can now get more done because there are more hands to help.  This can lead to overburdening our daughters, but it certainly does not have to.  
             
Fifth, she does not address the attitude with which things are done in the home. This is probably the greatest factor in parenting, not the amount of work a child is given. There is nothing wrong with a pre-teen or teenage girl having large responsibilities.  I have seen many girls do this with joy and gladness. I have seen girls with little responsibility feel completely ripped off by the slightest amount of work.  The amount of work can be a problem, but usually isn’t. Douglas Wilson states that one man tells his son to cut wood and he is giving a gift to his son. Another man tells him to cut wood and he is just being selfish.  This also applies to daughters. If mom and dad are regularly laying down their lives for their children then their children will be loyal to them and obey them. If mom and dad are giving, even when they are handing out chores and disciplining them, they are imitating Christ. But if mom and dad simply see their daughters as another way to get what they want, whether that is clean dishes or praise at the home school co-opt, then their daughters will be bitter and disobedient.  
Sixth, I want to address the following quote because it shows some of the sloppy thinking that often goes into statements about hypocrisy and grace.  Here is what Mrs. Keen says:
“The young girl who dresses more modestly, is capable of running a home, or has input on topics above the knowledge level of her peers is not necessarily godlier than other young girls. In fact, there is a greater danger of raising up a Pharisee, someone who shows forms of godliness on the outside but with no change on the inside. The desire for modesty, pure speech, taking care of a home, etc. should be taught and modeled to our daughters, but not forced onto them from the outside.”
            Paragraphs like this are meant well, but they are terribly unclear and often just plain wrong. The first sentence of the quote is a throwaway line that almost every Christian will agree with. Most Christians agree that it is possible play dress up in the Christian life and pretend to be holy when we are not. The second sentence is biblically unsound. Teaching my daughter to be modest, how to run a home and be knowledgeable about subjects (I am assuming that she means homemaking subjects) does not make her more likely to be a Pharisee. Obedience to God’s Word does not make us more likely to be Pharisees.  Outward conformity to God’s Word without an inward love for Christ and His Word makes us Pharisees. A desire to please man and not please God makes us Pharisees. But we are supposed to teach our daughters modesty. We supposed to teach our daughters how to run a home. Our daughters are supposed to be knowledgeable on things concerning the home. Mrs. Keen is essentially saying that teaching our daughters to obey God’s Word makes them more likely to be a Pharisee.  If this is not what she means then she needs to be clearer. Obedience and legalism are not the same thing.

            Also, what does she mean by “not forced onto them from the outside?”  How else are we supposed to teach our daughters? Everything we do is from the outside. In one sense our entire Christian life comes from the outside. The Word, prayer, fellowship, rebuke, encouragement, worship, the Lord’s Supper, our baptisms all happen to us from the outside. Even the Holy Spirit comes to us from the outside.  I think (I am not sure) she means we should seek to develop in our daughters a heart for God instead of just outward conformity to a cold set of rules. To which I say, Amen! But how do we do this, except from the outside? We train, exhort, rebuke, love, encourage, pressure, delight in, pray for, and set an example for our daughters. All of this is from the outside with the goal that our daughters will love God and love neighbor. But this goal is achieved by force from the outside. Sometimes this force is gentle. Sometimes it is stronger. But as parents, and even as Christian brothers and sisters once our children are grown, we are to be spurring one another on to love and good works.  I understand that without the Spirit and the work of God in the heart my daughter my work from the outside will be impotent.  But that is what the promises of God are all about. He promises us that He is the God of our children. We move forward trusting that our children belong to Him and that he will do a good work in them as we shepherd them from the outside in.  
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April 4, 2012

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Parenting

Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior

Paul Tripp gives five signs that our teenagers understand and participate in the spiritual battle. While he is addressing teenagers, the list is a good one for all of us.

1. He will have a heartfelt, internalized fear of God…He does what he does not because someone is watching, or out of fear of the consequences, but ultimately because of a deep, worshipful love and reverence for God.

2. Second to fear of God, but directly related to it is submission to authority…If a person fears God, he will be submissive to the authorities that God has placed in his life.

3. The next quality evident in a person who is engaged in spiritual warfare…is separation from the wicked…If a teenager is serious in his desire to participate in the spiritual struggle, if he is seriously seeking to live a life pleasing to the Lord, and if he is living in a willing submission to authorities in his life, then he is going to want to spend his time with people who share his values.

4. It is impossible to participate in the spiritual struggle if you do not have the ability to think through your faith and apply it to the situations of life. What a teenager needs, if he is going to live a God-honoring life, is a thorough knowledge of the Scriptures that allows him to apply its commands, principles, and perspectives to the many different situations that arise in everyday life.

5. The final piece of this goal of focusing on the spiritual struggle is biblical self-awareness…We want to be used of God to produce teens who can regularly examine themselves in the perfect mirror of the Word of God and who can humbly accept what is revealed there.

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April 3, 2012

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Parenting

Why Children Leave Home Early and Unprepared

“I have counseled many teenagers and their parents, it has become very clear to me that few teenagers leave because of the rules. No, they leave because of the relationship. They leave because the relationship with their parents has gotten so bad, so angry, so confrontational, so adversarial that they cannot stand to live under the same roof with them.  Sadly, this happens frequently in the homes of believers.” (Paul Tripp,  Age of Opportunity.)

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March 30, 2012

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Parenting

Five Goals for Shepherding Teenagers

Paul Tripp gives five specific goals each parent should have as they shepherd their teenagers.

1. Focusing on the Spiritual Struggle: Do not allow the seen to trump the unseen.

2. Developing a Heart of Conviction and Wisdom: Teach your children how to obey the Scriptures and to apply wisdom to those places that the Scriptures do not speak directly to.

3. Teaching a Teenager to Understand and Interact Redemptively with His Culture: He must neither reject the culture altogether or drink culture in without a second thought.

4. Developing a Heart for God in Your Teenager: There should be day to day evidence of your teenager’s hunger for God.

5. Preparing Teenagers for Leaving Home: “This is the goal of all those years of parental labor.”