Justifying Sin

Harry Schaumburg has been counseling people for over thirty years and has spent the last eighteen years focusing on counseling those who struggle with sexual sin, such as adultery, pornography, prostitution, etc. His book Undefiled  is his attempt to put into writing his Biblical Intensive Counseling workshop, which is five straight days of intense counseling.

I struggled with pornography from the age of eleven into my twenties. During this time I went to church, was active with my youth group, eventually attended Bible school, and got married. It took a long time for me to beat the pornography addiction that I had. This book has been a wonderful help for me in working through some of those hidden issues that still hang over from my pornography addiction.

I will be putting more from this book on my blog later, but for now I wanted to post this list of how the heart deceives us when it comes to sin.  How is it that so many Christians know porn is bad, but still do it? The answer is not complicated. We justify it. Schaumberg focuses on sexual sin, but insert your own sin where he puts sexual sin.

  • The sexual sinner always acts like he or she is sexually pure.
  • The sexual sinner always justifies the sexual sin. 
  • The sexual sinner always  declares the sexual sin a need. 
  • The sexual sinner always deceives himself or herself into believing that sinning sexually will be a positive benefit. 
  • The sexual sinner always makes excuses for his or her sexual sin.
  • The sinner who does not sexually sin tells himself or herself that his or her heart is good. 
When we read this our initial reaction is, “No way.” But the further you dig the more realize that is exactly what we do with our sin. When we sin we do not see ourselves as filthy, dirty people. We might feel that way momentarily after our sin, but it does not stick and we go back to believing ourselves to be pretty good people. We always justify our sin. I had to do it. There was no way out. What could I do? I needed it. They deserved it. And we do this not just with sexual sin. We do this with gossip, anger, pride, bitterness, laziness, etc. 
The beginning of our fight against sin is realizing that we are not very good people. We sin and make excuses for our sins. We pretend we are holy when we are not. We think because we don’t commit the same sins as others we are good. But the truth is we are unclean and defiled without Christ. Once we understand that we can flee to Christ for forgiveness and for the means to fight against our sin. But if we assume that whatever we do is justified and that our sin is not that much of a problem we will never win the battle. 

Recycling vs. Porn: Thoughts on the Latest Barna Report

Below you can see a poll taken by the Barna Institute n the summer of 2015. Note this is not a poll of Christians, but of the general population. Polls are not airtight. What the specific question was, how many people were asked, what their background was, etc. can all play a roll in the final statistics. But polls like this can give us a general feel for the trajectory of a society. Sometimes when we hear a presidential candidate is ahead in the polls by 10 percentage points we know that poll does not sync with reality we see around us. Something is off. However, with this Barna poll, we are not surprised by what we read. What the poll says is lines up with what we see in the world around us. When the poll says that 76% of people under the age 24 do not think it is wrong to watch sexually explicit scenes on TV or in a movie is anyone surprised? You can read the whole report along with some analysis here. Here are few randoms thoughts I had from the report.

First, it is clear that the younger generation is not bothered nearly as much by sexually explicit material whether pornographic or otherwise. I am not sure there is much difference between a sexually explicit scene in a movie and porn. Many shows on HBO and Netflix contain graphic sexual content. I am 38 and this comes as no shock at all. I am surprised the numbers are as high as they are. But remember porn is the fruit, not the tree. The tree is loss of the authority of God’s Word to dictate both actions and attitude. 
Second, but even in the older generation 46% of people do not think it is wrong to view porn and 63% do not think watching sexually explicit TV shows is wrong. Those are still awful numbers. We are so dead to this sin that we consider it a victory when roughly one out of two people think porn is bad. 
Third, my guess is the question  about “reading erotic or pornographic content” is directly connected to Fifty Shades of Grey. There were erotic stories around before that book. But that book popularized the erotic story, though sex scenes in romantic novels are common place.  
Fourth, the discrepancy between recycling and porn among the younger generation is striking. 56% of young people think it is always wrong or usually wrong to not recycle. While on 32% would say the same about view pornographic images. Not recycling is a moral failure much greater than porn. Young people think it is a greater moral duty to put aluminum cans in the recycle bin than it is to avoid watching other people have sex.  
Fifth, the third item in each list is lying. But among the younger generation the percentage who think it is wrong has dropped by 16 points. Lying is still considered a moral failure, but by fewer and fewer people. Almost 3 out of every 10 folks under 24 think it is fine to lie. This disturbs me almost as much as the porn statistic. 
Sixth, I am not sure about this, but my guess is that the reason certain actions are higher is because they directly affect other people.  Why would porn be so low, but adultery be so high? Both are sexual sins. According to Jesus porn is adultery on some level (Matthew 5:28). But porn is considered innocent because no one is harmed while in adultery someone is harmed. I would also guess that is why theft still remains so high. We are taking something from someone else. Here we see the shift from sin as an affront to God’s character and a breaking of His law to sin as that which harms someone else. Once this switch is made the only question becomes, “Does anyone get hurt?” If the answer is no then it cannot be wrong. Why is recycling so high and watching Game of Thrones so low? Not recycling hurts our planet and ultimately our children. Watching sex and nudity on TV does not harm anyone or so the culture says. Until the church once again preaches the fear of God and man’s need for obedience from the heart she will find her members defining sin less and less in line with God’s character as given in His Word and more and more in line with what the culture considers “harmful.” 
Seventh, while adultery is still high it does drop over 13 points between generations. 
Finally, notice the drop in covetousness or as the poll so delicately put it “wanting something that belongs to someone else.” There was a drop of 25 points from the older generation to the younger one. 68% of those 24 and under think it is fine to covet. More people think it is wrong to consume too much electricity than it is to covet. This is not surprising at all given my sixth point. Sin has become something which harms others. How can lusting after my neighbor’s car or my neighbor’s wife be a problem when no one gets hurt? What I find interesting is for Paul coveting was the key to showing him his own need for Christ (Romans 7:7). 
There is one way this data could be interpreted more positively. Young people are often ignorant and foolish to the results of certain actions. As they grow up their beliefs change and generally become more conservative. It is possible that many of the 20 year olds who think porn is just fine now and recycling is so terrible will not think the same thing when they are 40. However, this requires that they be taught, learn, and grow. It also usually requires marriage, children, and a job. And while this has often been the pattern in the past, I am not holding my breath that it will repeat itself in the coming decades. My fear is that our educational system, impotent pastors and fathers, a failure to preach God’s Word in all its fullness and to exhort people to obey it, a government that keeps men dependent, a hatred of women, children, and marriage, and a coddling of minds and bodies will not lead to the 15 to 20 year olds growing up. At the current rate and in the current cultural situation, it is hard to view these statistics getting better. 

The Flash and Fornication

My family has been watching The Flash  on Netflix.  Overall we have enjoyed the show. It is difficult to find shows that most of my kids (ages 5-16) will enjoy.  The Flash is not as well-written as some more adult oriented shows (i.e. Daredevil,  Breaking Bad), but it is suspenseful and fun.  I recommend it. But as my title indicates, I am going to pull out a negative aspect of the show. After all, I am a Calvinist. That is what we do.

One part of the show that bothers me is the fornication. The show assumes that a couple will sleep together and usually quickly. (None of this explicit, at least as far as we have watched. It is all implied.) One character gets a small box from her boyfriend. What was in that box? My younger son guessed an engagement ring. An older son was wise enough to know better. Engagement and marriage are not part of a single’s worldview in our age. It ended up being a key to his apartment. She has been sleeping off and on in his apartment since they started dating but now they are going to live together. The girl’s father is heartbroken over her leaving home. This used to be how fathers reacted to a marriage proposal. Now they react that way to their daughter leaving home to go sleep with a man who refuses to commit to her. Another example, Barry, aka The Flash, is on a second date with a girl and they begin making out, which had it not been interrupted by a bad guy, would have certainly led to sex. The underlying assumption is that singles will sleep together. That is just what happens.

What is most frustrating about shows like The Flash is they do not take sex seriously.  Sex does not mean anything really. There are no long term consequences, such as babies. There is no sense of betrayal or loss or shame or guilt or even rebellion. They try to treat it with respect, but it falls flat. It is hard to treat something with respect that has no power, causes no problems, and is not limited in any way. Sex doesn’t matter.  I do not watch a lot of TV shows, so my sampling is pretty small but my guess is it is common in other shows besides The Flash. Sleeping around, especially among singles, is like decoration. It is just there.

There are a couple examples of sex being taken seriously in TV shows, but usually these are in the context of a marriage. Two examples that come to mind are the adultery of Skylar White in Breaking Bad and the adultery of Woody Harrelson’s wife in True Detective. In both cases adultery was rebellion by the women involved. The men were destroying their marriages so the women had affairs. My guess is many Christians would find the depiction of adultery in shows like Breaking Bad more offensive than the fornication in shows like The Flash.  But I think the opposite. The depiction of adultery in those shows indicates that sex means something, which is closer to the truth than the round robin fornication with no consequences we see in many shows. But again this was in the context of an already existing marriage. I have not seen a show where fornication, sex before marriage, is taken seriously and has long-term ramifications for a person’s well-being and future. Single people have sex and move on.

If there is fornication in a TV show or a a movie, at least make it mean something. But I am not sure our culture can do that.  Sex has lost all meaning in our age. What kind of sex has lasting consequences in our age? Rape and pedophilia. According to our culture, these sexual acts leave scars. Other sexual acts do not.  Prostitution, fornication, adultery, and sodomy are “normal.” It is like choosing what to eat or buying a new piece of furniture. It takes some thought, but matters little in the end. I realize this is simplistic. But overall do you get the impression from TV shows that sex, in particular fornication, is a big deal? When someone decides to sleep with someone else is it a big decision with lasting affects?

When sex is limited to marriage and a man and a woman it retains its power and glory, but it is also normal. Every married couple does it (at least I hope so!) and yet that sexual bond is the sin qua non, the absolutely essential thing necessary, for the covenant relationship between a man and a woman to exist. Like many of the best things in life sex in marriage is both grand and glorious and as normal as the sun rising. But for the world sex must either be this great idol (think porn or many romantic movies) or it must be meaningless. As Christians, who keep sex in its proper bounds, we don’t have to choose between the two. We can have our cake and eat it too.

Ten Quotes: How to Exasperate Your Wife by Doug Wilson

Here are ten of my favorite quotes from Douglas Wilson’s book How to Exasperate Your Wife. 

A man who ditches the actual wife of his youth is thereby revealing that he abandoned another woman (Wisdom) some time before. 

If her [the wife’s] wishes are routinely disregarded, this means that her husband has failed to invest her with his authority, and has failed to act as an example for the rest of the household. A sure indicator of an unhappy household is the ignoring of Mom, and the head of that home is an abdicating father.

No one person is absolute. And this why those husbands who think that headship means their wives should never offer a contrary view are wrong. This is why husbands who think their wives cannot require certain things of them are wrong. This is why husbands who believe that their wives have no court of appeal outside the marriage are wrong.  

 Few forms of behavior are less respectable than that of demanding respect. 

A man who gives love receives respect.

A man who is not strong enough to be tender is not strong at all…We tend to think that a man who yells and blusters and intimidates has an excess of strength. We think he has a surplus. But biblically understood, he is actually a covenant wimp.

A nation defended by her women is a nation no longer worth defending. When women are placed in the front line of defense, every Christian man should walk away from the cause of that nation as being beneath contempt.

The basic question here is whether law operates in the context of grace, or whether grace operates in the surrounding context of law. If the former, then marriage is delight upon delight. If the latter, then it is one conflict after another. In these two different marriages, the objective standards may be exactly the same, but they are played in different keys.  

The progression towards adultery moves like this-simmering discontent, open discontent, open desire in other directions, which is lust, and then lust acted out, with infidelity as the result. Now a man might be able to convince himself that he is not being unfaithful in the first two stages-he is not being aroused, and he is not actively seeking that kind of gratification. His problem doesn’t appear to him to be overtly sexual at all. But that’s a set up. Don’t feed the kind of discontent that will, later on, feed something else. 

What is biblical masculinity? It is the glad assumption of sacrificial responsibility.

And one:

What is the confessional issue of our time? The confessional issue of our time is human sexuality, biblically defined.  

Clean Upstream

Pastor Doug Wilson notes in this book

Recognize that sexual sin is not just a sin for which there will be consequences later (although that is true)-sexual sin is itself a judgment for antecedent [prior PJ] sin. Find out what that sin is, and deal with it. Stop floating towards the falls. Work your way upstream.

Many men see lust and sexual sin in isolation from the rest of their sins. Lust is what happens when you see a girl and keep staring and staring or click on that link you swore you wouldn’t or when you roll that scene from the movie over and over in your mind. Because this sin is often committed in the dark or in our minds we assume it has little connection to the rest of our sins. But there are clusters of sins that at first glance have little to do with sex that make it easier to cheat on our wives, flirt at work, look at porn, or indulge fantasies in our heads. Here are a few sins upstream that lead to sexual sins downstream. Naturally these intertwine with each other and you can probably think of others.

Laziness: Proverbs 15:19 says the way of a lazy man is like a hedge of thorns. Many a man has found himself entangled in sexual sins because he was lazy in other areas of his life. A man who cannot put in a hard day’s work, cuts corners, refuses to maintain his home, hopes he wins the lottery, is too lazy to discipline his children or help his pregnant wife is not likely to work hard when it comes to resisting  the buxom blonde on the screen.

Grumbling:  Throughout the Scriptures God’s people are called upon to give thanks. When they don’t bad things happen. One could argue that sodomy, one of the greatest sexual sins, begins with a failure to give thanks (Romans 1:21). But we treat grumbling and complaining with kid gloves.  A man addicted to porn has a huge problem. A man who spends most of his life complaining is complimented for being insightful and wise. But porn and grumbling go together. A man who is discontent with his children, his job, his house, and his dog will not be content with his wife. A complaining mouth is a sign of an unfaithful heart.

Lack of Self-Control: Self-control is a central character trait necessary for true holiness. Without self-control other virtues, such as kindness and mercy, lose their balance and beauty.  A man who cannot control his eating, his temper, his schedule, his movie watching, his gaming, his hobbies, and his speech is not likely to control his sexual urges. Yet we are surprised when a man who spends dozens of free hours and hundreds of dollars on hunting or golf cheats on his wife. Why?

Coveting: Of course, lust is a sub species of covetousness. But we don’t take other types of coveting as seriously as we take coveting a woman. We recoil at lusting after a women. But a new job…not so much. We just wink. When we are jealous of a friend’s pay raise or new house or new truck or…fill in the blank then we are coveting. We believe we deserve more than we have. We believe God has withheld something good from us (Genesis 3:4-6). A longing for a new job, car, house, etc. naturally leads to sexual sin. Covetousness is compared to idolatry in Ephesians 5:5 and Colossians 3:5. If we bow down all day we will not suddenly stop bowing at the computer or with a co-worker.

The trouble is the sins listed above do not make our short list of “big” sins. We are lazy, grumbling, out of control, coveting men and then wonder why we cannot resist the cute waitress.  Acre after acre of our lives are untended and full of weeds and we wonder why this one little area has so many snakes in it.

We should fight against sexual sin by regulating our computer habits, guarding our eyes at work, being accountable, memorizing verses, and other regularly suggested means. But we will never  kill our lusts until we begin to put to death these other sins. We will never defeat sexual immorality until we work until we don’t want to and then work some more. We will not turn away from porn unless we stop grumbling about God’s hard providences.  When we learn to hold our tongue we will also learn how to hold back sinful thoughts. And when we give thanks to God for his gifts we will stop lusting for what he has withheld. These Spirit filled disciplines will help us find victory over our sexual sins. Otherwise fighting lust will be a losing battle, like cleaning up downriver while the sewage continues to pour in upstream.