A Most Fearsome Specter

More from Steven Ozment:

It is a great, self-serving myth of the modern world that the children in former times were raised as near slaves by domineering, loveless fathers who owed them nothing, the home a training ground for the docile subjects of absolute rulers. To the contrary, from prenatal care to their indoctrination in schools, there is every evidence that children were considered special and were loved by their parents and teachers, their nurture the highest of human vocations, their proper moral and vocational training humankind’s best hope. Parenthood was a conditional trust, not an absolute right, and the home was a model of benevolent and just rule for the “state” to emulate.

In the sixteenth century children were raised and educated above all to be social beings; in this sense they had more duties toward their parents and society than they had rights independent of them. This did not mean that the family lacked an internal identity or that loving relationships failed to develop between spouses, between parents and children, and among siblings. Privacy and social extension were not perceived contradictory. The great fear was not that children would be abused by adult authority but that children might grow up to place their own individual rights above society’s common good. To the people of Reformation Europe no specter was more fearsome than a society in which the desires of individuals eclipsed their sense of social duty. The prevention of just that possibility became the common duty of every Christian parent, teacher, and magistrate. 

How striking this last paragraph is when compared to modern rhetoric about rights.  Almost every child in this country is raised to think about themselves, their needs, their wants, and their desires. The fundamental question they ask is, “What can you do for me?” They come not to serve or do their duty to family, state, and community. Rather they come to be served. Service to their fellow man is the least of their concerns. Their own rights their greatest concern. In that way children of today are raised to have a fundamentally different orientation that children of the previous generations. The blame for our children turning out this way is to be found in Ozment’s last sentence. Parents, teachers, and magistrates fail to teach selfless duty and fail to model it.

Spanking in Reformation Europe

Here is an interesting quote from Steven Ozment’s book When Fathers Ruled.  All punctuation and italics are Ozment’s.

When the unpleasant task of spanking was necessary, always as last resort, the housefather books, summarizing generations of advice on corporal punishment, instructed fathers never to punish a child to the point that he became terrorized, embittered, or moved to anger against a parent; fathers, after all, are not “hangmen.” A proper spanking should be timely, coming on the heels of the infraction; “coolly” administered; calmly explained and justified in advance (a spanking was a rational exercise); and accompanied by profuse assurance of parental love…Spanking a child also required a degree of humility on the part of the parent because its very occurrence attested to the incompleteness, if not also the imperfection, of his child rearing.

The Christian Marriage Bed: Part II

You can find the first six points here.

Seventh, sex was created by God for the procreation of children. This does not mean you should only have sex to have children.  You should have sex because it is fun, and you love your spouse.  But to purposely exclude children from the marriage bed is wrong.

Eighth, do not compare your sex life to someone else’s. In our culture, we can read books about how to have great sex, talk to friends who describe their sex lives, view pornography or watched R-rated movies. Our view of the marriage bed becomes warped by unrealistic expectations pushed on us by the culture or friends. If you are having genuine problems in the marriage bed then get some help. But do not worry about measuring up to some standard out there. You are supposed to please one person; your spouse. Is your spouse happy? When they aren’t can you discuss the problem and work it out? Okay, then you are fine.

Ninth, Elisabeth Elliott said that sometimes sex is a steak and sometimes it is a sandwich.  Sex cannot bring you infinite pleasure. Some sexual experiences will be lame. Some will be funny. Some will be wonderful. Be content with that. The world tells us that every time we have sex it must be an unbelievable experience. Pastor Joel Beeke calls this the idol of the orgasm. There are at least two problems with believing that every sexual experience must be great:

1. We are never satisfied. We keep wanting more and more. The world tells us that sex will bring us great pleasure every time. When it doesn’t we are disappointed. We can start allowing perversions into the bedroom, thinking there is something wrong with us, looking down on our spouses if they are not giving us the experience we want, or fantasizing about a better sexual partner. 

2. We will only make love when the situation is perfect. Because we are looking for mountain top experiences we can miss opportunities that would fulfill us and our spouse, yet are not perfect.

Tenth, learn to communicate with one another about your sexual experiences and desires. This can be awkward, especially if something is not going right or someone is upset.  The husband should lead by opening up lines of communication and listening carefully to his wife. Often men are selfish blockheads in the bedroom. We can ignore our wives sexually. Our wives need to be able to tell us what they need and want. But a wife needs teaching as well. The female perspective is not automatically correct. If you cannot work out a problem on your own then discuss it with your pastor and wife or a trusted older couple.

Eleventh, there will be dry spells in marriage. Often prior to having a child or just after there can be months where a woman cannot make love or where making love can be very difficult. There may be times where the husband is very busy at work and the wife is watching the little ones at home. When the evening comes they are exhausted. There may be a housing situation that prevents easy love making or someone might be sick for a while. During these times the husband must be especially attentive. If it is in his hands, he should work to end the situation that is making sex difficult. For example, if they are living with the in-laws and there is no privacy he should try to remedy that. If they are both too tired, he should find times when they are rested to initiate.  If the situation is out of his hands, such as sickness, then he should see it as from the hand of God. He must guard himself and not make excuses for lustful thoughts or actions. He should also comfort his wife because she probably feels guilty about not being able to provide for him. Dry spells should be ended as soon as possible unless the Lord providentially puts a couple in a circumstance where love making is impossible.

Twelfth, emotional closeness and physical closeness go hand in hand. For the Christian sex is not just a physical act. We are making love to someone we are supposed to be in a deep, intimate relationship with. Without that relationship sex can lose its savor, especially for the wife. Husbands don’t forget this. If you are not getting action in the bedroom it is probably because the dishes are not getting done or you said something mean or the kids are out of control or you have spent five minutes talking to your wife in the last week.  If the amount of sex is not up to your approval look first to your emotional relationship with your wife, not your physical one. 

Fifteen More Ways to Love Your Wife

This list is shorter and dirtier than the last list. Of course, there are hundreds of little ways to love her that I do not mention. The point is think about how you can love her and do the ugly, hard, awkward things that you know you should do, but really don’t want to.  

1.      Change diapers.
2.      Wash the dishes.
3.      Cook dinner or breakfast.
4.      Go shopping for the groceries and take several or all of the children.
5.      Fold a load of laundry.
6.      Take the kids to the park on a Saturday so she has a morning at home.
7.      Get a movie you know she will enjoy, even if you won’t.
8.      Buy her flowers for no specific reason.
9.      Take the initiative and set up a babysitter to go on a date.
10.   Help the kids brush their teeth, put on pajamas and get in bed.
11.  Send her out for several hours to do something on her own.
12.  Buy her some nice clothes or a gift certificate to a clothing store she likes.
13.  Give her a foot massage or back massage.
14.  Call/email her on your lunch break and see how she is doing and tell her you love her. 
15.  Do it all without being asked. 

Bayly Brothers on Large vs. Small Families

Here is a convicting blog post where the Bayly Brothers remind us that it is not enough to have many children we must also raise them well. A very challenging post as I just had my seventh child. Five of those are boys. That means at dinner every night I gather around my table five future heads of households. Without God’s grace and the promises of Scripture I would run for the door. But with his grace and his Spirit, I know that I can honor him by raising godly sons and daughters.

The Baylys also discuss some interesting logistics that are occurring in China because of its one child policy.